In this article I want to talk about a type of “rejection” that happened to me several times before I started my journey to become better with women and dating.
This was before I finally learned my lesson.
Now I get a cringe whenever I think of the stupid things I did back then… so whenever a student comes to me with this particular problem, I make it my duty to knock some sense into him (metaphorically through the computer screen) so that he “gets it.”
The situation I’m talking about is when a girl feels smothered by you.
Has this happened to you before? If this is something that just happened to you, pay close attention.
It’s important to know why this happens so that you fix it quickly… before you become repulsive to women.
Why Women Feel Smothered
When a woman says she feels smothered, or “suffocated” by you… it means you are crowding her space.
There are things men do to crowd a woman’s space… and they don’t even realize they’re doing it.
- Texting her every day
- Always asking her what she’s doing
- Acting like the possessive boyfriend who wants to “check-in” with her all the time or WORSE, acting like the vigilant father that keeps an eye on her and what she’s doing
- Trying to solve ALL her problems
While you may think you’re doing her favors by doing these things for her… in reality… these behaviors make the girl run away from you because she
feels like she’s getting SMOTHERED.
Men often have the idea that the more they take care of a woman and do things for her… the more she will be like them.
But see, when a girl feels smothered by you, because you text her 24/7 and try to do EVERYTHING for her, she begins to feel like she’s losing her freedom…
And then she begins to DREAD hearing from you.
She thinks “ahh it’s the clingy guy again…” And she closes her phone and ignores your text.
So don’t be that guy.
Why do men act this way when they’re new with dating?
It has to do with validation dependence.
Most of us have become too dependent on a particular woman’s “validation” at some point in our lives.
When you’re just starting out, it’s easy to get dependent on a woman’s validation as soon as you meet her and start talking.
This happens because if you don’t have many girls in your life, you get ADDICTED to the rush you feel whenever a girl is nice to you.
What’s more, whenever your crush texts you, good feelings flood your brain like a drug.
As a result, you wait all day with your phone in your hand anticipating her texts.
But then at Some Point Her Texts Dry Up…
And when your crush becomes distant over text… it MAGNIFIES the effect even more.
You see, when the girl you like doesn’t text you for a long time… you seek out her texts in order to get your “hit” of her validation.
That’s when you try to “check in” with her when you haven’t heard from her in a while… to make sure she’s ok…
…And to make sure she’s not “mad” at you. Because if she’s mad at you, that means no validation for you little puppy!
As you can guess, this toxic behavior pushes the girl further and further away until she no longer wants to hear from you.
A student of mine got this type of harsh reaction from a woman. What led to it? Well, he thought it was a good idea to jump right into her “therapist friend zone” after she broke up with her boyfriend.
She Says I’m Smothering Her!
A girl I really like just broke up with her boyfriend. So I helped her out.
I helped her with her homework, and texted her positive things to help her feel better.
Three days later, she told me she needs space, she says I’m smothering her, and now she blocked me on Facebook!
What should I do?
Johnny, this sort of thing happened to me back in college, so I’ve been there.
It seems like you fell into the “therapist” friend zone when you were helping her calm down. (Again, this is something I used to do. I would try to help girls with their homework, and a)
After that, you probably messaged her too much, which made her feel “smothered”… this is why she said she wanted space.
When a girl feels smothered by you, she will say “I need space”…
But then you kept crowding her space, so she blocked you.
Send me some conversation logs or screenshots so I can better analyze and help you.
I helped her with her homework… I asked her how her day was… I sent her good morning/good night texts. I sent her messages encouraging her not to stress out and calming her down.
Yeah I can totally see it now.
You were all over her. You offered to help her with her homework… you sent texts to help her with stress… you tried to help her calm down.
You were her therapist friend! You also sent “good morning” and “good night” texts every freaking day!
All of this SMOTHERED her.
Naturally, she asked for space… and if you were like I used to be, you probably started asking “what’s wrong?!” and that smothered her even more.
So she blocked you. And now you’re here.
But here’s the thing…
What you’re really desperate for right now is her validation… because you feel that you disappointed her. More than anything you want her to give you a pat on the back and say “it’s ok I forgive you.”
However, right now she doesn’t want to communicate with you. Which means you have to forgive yourself, move on, and start talking to other girls.
Don’t try to contact her again AT ALL unless she reaches out.
Learn from your mistakes. Take this as a learning opportunity.
Yes, you feel hurt right now and your ego is wounded… but you’re actually getting better because you learned something new (the lesson of “don’t smother girls”).
Sometimes you have to get hurt and take a step back, before you take a step forward.
But can I still message her sometime later through her Instagram?… she was really nice.
No more messaging. That will only put more pressure on her. Time to move on.
What is the lesson here?
1. Be aware of things you do that come off needy.
2. Control your emotions. If a girl pulls away, don’t get all crazy and go chasing after her. Stop yourself from going on a downward spiral of neediness.
In particular, if there’s a girl you’re seeing who’s becoming “cold” and distant, read this article here: