When your girlfriend says “it’s not you, it’s me” and decides to end the relationship with you… it can be painful and confusing.
In this article, you’ll learn:
- why a girl says “it’s not you, it’s me”…
- a big mistake you’re probably making (when a girl starts fading away, most men do the WRONG thing)…
- how to recover and get her attraction back…
When your girlfriend’s interest in you starts fading… she starts ignoring your texts, her replies are short, and she seems less eager to talk to you.
Soon enough, she gives you the “talk” of “it’s not you, it’s me” and something like “she’s not ready to get into a serious relationship”.
If you’re in this situation, here’s a question from a reader who’s experiencing the same frustration as you.
Pay close attention to his story and my reply… because the answer I give will SHOCK you.
My name is Gaurab. I’m from India. I keep reading your emails – they are really helping me heal and become stronger. I really don’t know if you’d be getting time to read this email. I pray you do so. I wanted to tell you what happened with me and my ex girlfriend. And below is the story in short.
My ex girlfriend and I broke up back in January, this year. She said to me that she cannot be in a committed relationship right now. She also was going to move to another country for further studies.
I admit that I got a little selfish and needy and insecure prior to breakup and post break up too whenever she had to talk about moving away for further studies. I realized this in time. But I did change and started supporting her and we were still going good…
Until one day suddenly it all fell apart.
We got back together and again she one day decided that things are getting serious and she cannot be in a relationship.
She always said that it’s not me, it’s her. She doesn’t deserve so much love……..
We do text each other sometimes and it was she who requested to be friends and not to leave contact with her. She’s moved to another country now to study. And she texts once in a while, sometimes with a lot of love and care, but suddenly sometimes she just stops texting and I get too confused and frustrated.
However I control myself from texting her and annoying her. Now that she’s far away, honestly I do not know how I can take this forward. It’s just very hard to just be friends.
Thank you for all the support you give us man.
You do not know how much this means to us all 😀
Hoping to see your reply.
Thanks for the message, I’m glad my emails are helping.
I hope I can help out more. Let’s see… reading about what happened with your ex girlfriend, it seems that you got too needy about staying in an “official” relationship with her.
When you got back together again after the breakup, you did things that suggested to her that you wanted to be her serious boyfriend too much… and she wasn’t ready to get so serious.
She wanted freedom and space and you did a few things that made her feel “less free” and made her want to break up with you.
Maybe you did things like…
- playing the “boyfriend” role too much
- texting her way too much
- “checking-in” with her to see how she’s doing
- getting jealous about other guys
- getting fearful about losing her
(A lot of these are in *this article called “8 sneaky relationship mistakes”*)
As men, we get needy when a girl is fading… so we start “doing more” to get her back because we are afraid we’ll lose her if we just sit back and do nothing.
As men, when we experience a girl fading away, what do we tend to do? We get EVEN MORE NEEDY.
We get this urge to chase her even more, and we do more things to try to get the girl back.
And then we do…
The Big Romantic Move that shows her how good of a boyfriend we are and because of it… it will convince her to stay as our girlfriend once and for all!
Nope. Tragically, this doesn’t work… and the reason is that it ignores the main problem that is causing your girlfriend to lose attraction for you.
And that is: You are making the relationship “too serious” and she isn’t ready to get serious with you.
So by chasing her more and trying to lock her down as your girlfriend, what you’re doing is trying to make the relationship more serious and more “official”… which aggravates the problem.
Women lose attraction when they feel you want to be in a relationship with them too soon.
They pull away when you try to make things “serious” when she isn’t ready emotionally.
So whenever you act too *”smothering”* or possessive, the girl feels “less free” and distances herself from you. (Article: When a girl feels smothered)
That’s why she said things were getting “too serious” and she told you she couldn’t be in a relationship. (Article: When a girl says she’s not ready for a relationship)
Of course, she then gave you the typical excuses of “it’s not you, it’s me”, and “I don’t deserve so much love”.
Those excuses are partially to sugarcoat her breakup with you, and partially because women often don’t understand why they lose attraction so their minds rationalize a reason.
When you got back together, what you should have done is
- Not talk about feelings or relationship labels
- Focus only on hanging out (in person or in face-to-face chat) and having fun without any labels
- Have this mindset: Be the Lover, not the Boyfriend
In fact, the idea of “getting into a relationship” should come from the woman.
Because masculine energy wants to be free… and feminine energy tries to capture the masculine.
What Should You Do Now?
The best thing for you to do right now is to take a break from her and don’t contact her anymore.
This is the strong move to make. To her, you’ve been acting weak, and if there’s any ounce of attraction left in her, walking away until she reaches out to you is the strong move that will bring her attraction back.
On the meantime, focus on yourself, spend time and have fun with friends, start talking to other women. You want to build yourself back up so that your emotions don’t depend 100% on this one girl.
You want to meet more girls so that you have more abundance of options in your life. Once you do that, you heal faster, and you start getting over her.
I know getting over her seems impossible right now. But to mature as a man you must walk through the fire, and it will deepen your character because of it.
At the end of the day, attraction is a skill that you learn.
As you’re taking a break from your ex girlfriend… if you dedicate yourself to learning how attraction works, and you practice the skill of flirting and attracting women… while avoiding the emotional traps of getting needy….
…then you’re going to be so much more attractive when your ex comes back to town in the future and you have an opportunity to hang out with her.
I’m not guaranteeing that you’ll get her back 100%, but taking this path:
1. Gives you the best chance of getting her back, or
2. Helps you get over her (and get other girls) if you don’t get her back.
Oh wow, you actually replied man 😀
Frankie, I’m been focusing on myself more now. Been working out, focusing on work. Etc etc. Meeting other women – I think I need some more time.
Yes, I neither have been talking with her nor texting her now. It’s been about 2 weeks with no contact. I do reply whenever she texts. I try and keep it short, positive and friendly. I try not to build up a fight whenever she suddenly gets cranky for small things.
Besides all this, she’s coming to India next month. She told me this a few months ago. I don’t know if I should make the move and ask her when she’s coming and see if I can initiate a meeting. Whenever I get this thought of meeting her when she’s in the future, I pinch myself to get out of that conceptual reality (which might not even happen in the future) and focus on the present.
Thank you for your reply, Frankie.
I will for sure recommend your website whenever I come across a person who’s going this phase in life.
Do let me know what I should do based on what I’ve written above.
Thanks again man. Means a lot. 🙂
That’s awesome that you’re focusing on yourself man. I appreciate the website recommendation too 🙂
Yeah if you’re in a good and STRONG state of mind, invite her to meet up when she comes to India and she reaches out.
When she does, don’t think about “relationship labels” or talk about feelings.
Only aim to hang out, have fun, and hookup.
On the meantime, while she’s away, there are tons of other girls out there. Once you start thinking of the concept of meeting other women… and realize that this isn’t a fairy tale where you just meet one girl and fall in love and live happily ever after… then you get out of the “oneitis” thinking that actually stops you from getting that one girl.
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