How to Focus on Your Goals By Saying “No” and Setting Boundaries

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Your purpose is the path in life you want to follow that leads to achieving your goals, being who you want to be, and living your dream.

Let’s say you want something really bad, so you make it your goal… and then you start to envision the path and actions that lead to that goal.  

Many things will try to steer you off your path. Your own thoughts will steer you off, women will steer you off, other people will try to steer you off… even if they don’t mean to.

How do you deal with these distractions and stay on your path? By applying focus and boundaries.

Purpose Requires You to Hold Thought and Focus

Purpose requires focus… and focus requires you to “hold” thought. You must hold your mind fixed upon the vision you want in life. You must focus on it and keep holding that purpose in your thoughts, so that it leads to the actions that achieve your goals.

In a modern world that tries to steal your attention with every ad, every smartphone notification, and every bell and whistle… it’s much harder to focus your mind on a single mission.

Everything is trying to distract you, you face resistance everywhere. Even friends and family unknowingly knock you off course.

That’s why when it comes to focus…

Focus is About Saying “No”

You Must Say “No” to Other Great Ideas That Aren’t Your Purpose

When you decide that you are going to focus on something, you must say no to other things and stick to the mission.

Even if these other things are great ideas, and you really want to do them, you must say no to them… because you decided that you’re going to focus on your purpose… and these things aren’t your purpose.

The more you do this, the more you start identifying as a man who focuses, and then it becomes a habit… leading to productivity in the short-term and long-term.

“People think focus means saying yes to the thing you’ve got to focus on. But that’s not what it means at all. It means saying no to the hundred other good ideas that there are.  You have to pick carefully. I’m actually as proud of the things we haven’t done as the things I have done. Innovation is saying no to 1,000 things.”

– Steve Jobs

You Must Say “No” to People Who Distract You From Your Purpose

Focus means setting boundaries on people who try to knock you off your path… whether they mean to or not.

Spiritual teacher Aaron Doughty says…

“You need to set boundaries that say “Yes” to your vision, and say “No” to things that take you off your path.

Say no to things that are distracting you or trying to suck you back into the old mentality. The old ways of being… the old patterns… old habits of procrastination… or getting into alcohol and other substances… these things are literally DIFFUSING and LEAKING OUT your vibe.

And it’s ok to set boundaries…

Because when you set boundaries, what you are doing is you are establishing your own frame and saying YES to yourself.

And when you feel guilty about turning people off when you set boundaries, then you’re taking responsibility
for how other people feel when you do something you want to do.

Realize that if someone’s going to withhold their love from you because you are establishing boundaries, it means it’s just conditional love anyways. They’re saying “I will validate and love you only when you do x, y, z.” That’s conditional love.

When you set boundaries for yourself and stay in your own frame… you don’t get sucked into other people’s frame… and you have something you’re moving towards. 

Remember, you’re saying yes to YOURSELF when you do this..

It’s ok to say no to other people. It’s ok to say no to things you don’t really enjoy doing. Realize that when you’re saying “no” to those things, you’re saying “yes” to YOURSELF.

Realize that anytime you feel guilty for saying no to things, it’s because you’ve extended your energy outside of yourself. You’re tuning to someone else’s energy, and you’re feeling their disappointment.

That’s not your stuff though.

Think to yourself: ‘That’s not my job. That’s not my stuff. That’s not my energy. That person’s projecting into me. That’s their stuff to deal with.’

It’s ok to say yes, and it’s ok to say no.

Say yes because you want to say yes and not out of guilt.

When someone projects their stuff onto you… just remember ‘that’s not my stuff’.

Then when you feel the separation, realize that this separation is a good thing.”

Focus Requires Boundaries

Purpose requires focus, and focus requires boundaries.

When you say “no” to something, you are setting a boundary.

You must set boundaries in space, time, and energy.

Set Boundaries in Space By Controlling Your Environment

It is crucial that you control your environment before it controls you.

Did you know you are the average of the five people closest to you?

When working towards a goal, you want to cultivate an environment that keeps you motivated and sets you up for success.

The best way to stay motivated is to surround yourself with other people working towards the same goal as you.

“Nothing sustains motivation better than belonging to the tribe. It transforms a personal quest into a shared one.

Previously, you were on your own. Your identity was singular. You are a reader. You are a musician. You are an athlete.

When you join a book club or a band or a cycling group, your identity becomes linked to those around you.

Growth and chance is no longer an individual pursuit. We are readers. We are musicians. We are cyclists.

The shared identity begins to reinforce your personal identity. This is why remaining part of a group after achieving a goal is crucial to maintaining your habits.

It’s friendship and community that embed a new identity and help behaviors last over the long run.”

– James Clear — Atomic Habits

This is the mastermind principle from “Think and Grow Rich”.

Cultivate and gather a “mastermind” of people also working towards the same goal as you.

Your thinking is all aligned in the positive direction.

Weed out the debbie-downers and pessimists injecting their negativity into the scene.

Set Boundaries on People Who Drag You Down

Avoid negative thinking and stay away from crabs in a bucket.

You should instead seek peers that have a similar path to yours (on the same career, or in the same business, etc.). Go to conferences and meet ups where people in your field, niche, or specialty come together. 

You want them to have the same mentality as you. Most of groupthink mentality divides, distracts, or brings you down…. but this is groupthink mentality that lifts you up. It is called a “mastermind”.

Even set boundaries on friends and loved ones who are negative. Say “I love you, but this is my journey”.

And when it comes to your significant other, she better be on board… or you should seriously reconsider having her in your life. You are the captain of your ship and she is your first mate. Avoid a mutiny at all costs.

Set Boundaries in Time By Saying “No” to Time Wasters

Expect people to distract you and waste your time, even if they don’t mean to.

Your job is to focus on your goal and hold thought of your desired outcome. Anytime you get deviated from the path, get back on track.

Beware of Shiny Objects 

Assume you’ll encounter people who claim you can reach your goals at the click of a magic button. These are called “shiny objects” that distract your attention away from your task.

They are cleverly marketed distractions that take advantage of the human instinct to get instant gratification. 

So say “no” to shiny objects 

Set Boundaries on Women Who Waste Your Time

Women start to respect you once you start setting boundaries.

When a woman loses interest, blows you off, or jerks you around… you must remove your attention and return to your path.

“People who love, value, and respect you and your time never waste it or jerk you around…

The quickest way to get someone else’s attention is to remove yours. Call them out on their abusive behavior and let them know it’s not appropriate and ask them to apologize and make it up to you.

If not, give them the gift of missing you, permanently if necessary, and make plans to spend your time with people who love, cherish and are excited to see you.

Not everyone deserves the greatest gift you can give anyone, which is the gift of your time. Never let people waste it or jerk you around.”

– Coach Corey Wayne

That’s how you set boundaries with your time and energy.

Here are Some Related Articles on Getting Women to Respect You

Other tasks will pop up to distract you and waste your time

Apply your emotional energy only to what you’re focusing on.

Your emotional energy gets stolen by the news, youtube videos, and scrolling through emotional memes on facebook.

While it’s great to watch comedy videos when you take a “break”… interrupting yourself with random youtube videos during work steals energy from the task at hand.

Set Boundaries on the Energy You Focus

Set boundaries on emotional endeavors that drain you. Avoid unnecessary drama that leads nowhere.

This is emotional energy that can instead be used to be productive. Focus your energy on your goal.

And when it comes to relationships, they are meant to lift you up, not send you on a roller coaster ride of emotions that leaves you fatigued.

Remember the concept of opportunity cost: Is your time better spent doing something else than spending it with a person who wastes your time and jerks you around?

Set boundaries on things that aren’t “your stuff”. Say “that’s not my stuff”… and focus on just your stuff.

The Essence of Your Masculine Core is That it’s Always Going Somewhere

Think of yourself as a big ass ship in the middle of the ocean. You’re a big chunk of mass that won’t budge. You won’t change direction. Your momentum will just keep on going forward, towards your destination. No…matter…what.

The woman wants you to be on your journey when she meets you… and then she’ll tag along. But she wants to tag along on a journey you are already in.

You should be on a journey that doesn’t depend on her.

If you change your mission just to live closer to her, or if you sacrifice your dreams in order to please her, that weakens your masculine core and she will sense it.

Often I get emails from guys who transfer to a university different from the one they picked, just to live closer to their girlfriend… but then their girlfriend often leaves them and now they are stranded on a different road that isn’t their path.

The “Straight Line” Concept

Jordan Belfort (aka “The Wolf of Wallstreet”) created the “straight line” concept to describe the process of moving towards the goal of making a sale. 

When you’re selling, the ideal sale is a straight line process that smoothly goes from open to close. Most of the time, however, the prospect will knock you off course. He will change the conversation topic, bring up something else that is irrelevant, he will take the conversation on a different path that isn’t the path of the “straight line”.

When this happens, you move away from the straight line, and you lose control.

The solution here is to re-take control and bring the conversation back to the straight line… so you can once again move towards your goal.

Now here I’m talking about the straight line concept being applied to “micro” scale short-term conversations that move towards a goal…

But you can also expand the straight line to the “macro” scale and apply it to your purpose and goals.

When you’re on your path to achieving your goals, you will similarly run into distractions that try to knock you off course, such as…

  • Shiny objects that promise short-cuts to success
  • Peer pressure to engage in habits that waste time and energy 
  • Alternate paths, purposes, or journeys that are also awesome (but remember, focus is about saying “no” to other
    great ideas, because you choose to focus on this one).
  • Well-meaning people that unknowingly sway you away from your path because they’re just trying to help (like friends, family, and girlfriends)

When hitting a distraction, your job is to set boundaries, and steer the ship back on course so that you make your path as “straight” as possible… and reach your goals as fast as possible.

RECAP

  • Purpose requires you to focus… and focus is about saying no
  • When you say “no” to something, you are setting a boundary
  • You must set boundaries in space, time, and energy.
  • Boundaries in space: Control your environment by surrounding yourself with people who bring you up… weed out people and things that drag you down
  • Boundaries in time: Set boundaries on people who waste your time, set boundaries on shiny objects that steal your attention and distract you from your path. Re-focus on the task at hand. 
  • Boundaries in energy: Set boundaries on emotional endeavors that drain you… and re-focus your energy on your goal. When it comes to relationships, make sure they lift you up, not cause unnecessary drama.
  • The essence of your masculine core is that it’s always going somewhere. Your journey should not depend on the woman (or other people). She wants to meet you and tag along on a journey you were already on without her.
  • Stay on The Straight Line that leads to your goal. Expect to hit barriers and distractions… and then get back on the path of the straight line.

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