When one of my students emails me saying “I like her but she wants to be friends”… it usually means there was a “moment of truth” moment where he revealed his feelings for her and she didn’t like him back.
The story goes something like this…
When you get an intense crush on a girl, all your focus is on her.
You remember the details of every conversation you have, and analyze everything she says, looking for clues that she likes you.
Sometimes she gives promising signs. She acts friendly, you get into long text conversations that makes you feel like you’re making progress in getting her to like you.
Progress that will eventually lead to making her you girlfriend: Your Ultimate Dream.
Other times she goes cold. She goes days without replying, or only gives you one or two word replies.
This makes you worry you’re losing ground… and losing her.
Now all of this really drains your energy.
Your feelings for her are driving you so crazy that at one point, you can’t take it anymore and you decide to make “the big move”…
You confess your feelings for her.
Because you rather reveal your feelings for her to get closure, than to deal with this torturous uncertainty.
Even if she rejects you.
While this finally gives you relief to move on, this bold move is a huge blow to your chances of ever making her your girlfriend.
So you have to watch out for it.
What can you do instead to get her back?
Make a Fundamental Change in the Way You Interact With Her (as described in this video)
Now below, I go over a couple of emails from my students.
The situation they describe deals with the issue of a girl only wanting to be friends with you.
So if this is your experience… pay close attention.
You will learn:
- How confessing your feelings to a girl “skips steps” in the ladder of attraction… and the best way to let her know you like her.
- Why trying to make her your girlfriend too soon is a really bad idea
- The importance of talking to other women
Ok let’s start off with a question from our good friend Stu.
***Question #1***
“I Like Her But She Wants to Be Friends”
Hi Frankie,
There is this friend of mine that I have known for close to 5 years now. We are really good friends.
Initially, when I met her, she was still a teenager and somehow I never thought of dating her, I was just cool with us being friends. Indeed she never disappointed in that regard.
Fast forward to late last year, this girl has turned to a charming beauty and I began to have feelings for her. I really like her and I approached her accordingly.
When I told her how I felt, her response was:
“This is far from the normal thing I know, it looks weird to me, we are very close, we literally talk about anything, we crack jokes about everything. I have never being close to the guys I have dated same way I am close to you.
I feel closer to you and suddenly you come up with this relationship of a thing?
Honestly, I don’t know how to respond to this. I think you should cut the feelings and let’s remain friends.
I have a lot of things on my head now and adding man to it is not what I want. I don’t have special feelings for you other than a friend. I don’t know what to say till we get to talk in person”
The above quotation was her exact words. Please, what do I do next… is there something I can do at this point?
I really like her.
– Stu
>>>My Comments
Hey Stu, the first thing I notice is that she said “suddenly you come up with this relationship of a thing”…
…which tells me that the way you approached her was in a way that aimed to start a relationship with her.
I’m not sure the exact words you told her when you made the move to reveal your feelings, but that is what I’m guessing.
The problem with a move like this is that you skipped steps way too soon.
See, when you start liking a girl, going for the relationship or making a “serious” move will put pressure on her and she will go cold.
If she thinks you want to jump from “friend” to “boyfriend” in one fell swoop, she knows you like her too much and you aren’t a challenge anymore.
Instead, it’s much more effective to go from friend, to hanging out, having fun, and hooking up, but without any strings attached and without bringing up the “relationship label” or her feelings.
Instead of confessing your feelings and hoping she’ll realize this and like you too, it would have been better to show her you want her by kissing her during one of the times you were hanging out together.
That’s how you reveal her feelings to her “emotional” brain, instead of making a declaration that appeals to her “logical” brain, (which isn’t effective).
Of course, there should be flirting and teasing building up to this so that it’s a smooth progression.
Was there flirting, and fun, playful, banter in your conversations with her?… or was it just a friendly, innocent interaction where you never even hinted at your intent of taking it to a non-platonic level?
From her point of view, it isn’t a “smooth” progression. She would think your intention is just to be her friend… until suddenly you drop a “serious” declaration of intent on her , that confuses her and drives her away.
Your Plan Going Forward
Right now you have a intense crush on her with romantic feelings, so a fundamental mindset change is needed.
If you’re too focused on your outcome with her, you’ll act too needy in your interactions with her and it’ll ruin your chances.
That’s why you should create some space away from her to give yourself a breather, and start talking to other girls…
…so that your mind expands into seeing a world with “female options”.
You’re Going Towards Abundance.
When your brain thinks “she’s the only girl in the world for me”… that’s when you get really needy.
You’re in scarcity mode.
But when you feel that you have more female options out there in the world for you… you’re in abundance mode.
In the meantime, as you talk to other girls, focus on being playful with banter, teasing, and flirting…
…so that you make girls have fun with you and also make them attracted to you.
That way you have the skill of progressing up the escalation ladder next time you start liking a girl.
Some reading:
https://championsofmen.com/i-told-her-i-liked-her-and-things-got-weird/
Moving on to question #2…
***Question #2***
Hey Frankie,
I met this girl a few months back and we had this cool vibe going.
We had been texting and calling all the time.
Then when I asked her out through text, she agreed, and we met and had lots of fun.
Things were turning out great.
Then when I asked her what she thought of us dating, she said she would think about it.
From her response I knew she wasn’t interested in us dating so I went no contact for a month.
No contact worked because she texted back after a month. Now I don’t really know what to do.
I’m not as energetic and creative as I used to be around her. ‘
I don’t know what to do but I really want to get her back.
What do I do?
– Larry
>>>My Comments
Hey Larry, when you were having fun hanging out, does that mean you ended up kissing her or getting physical?
I think all of that was good but then you hit a bump was when you brought up “dating”.
It seems that it introduced a more “serious” kinda vibe rather than fun.
More “relationship” vibe than “lover” vibe.
Much better would have been to make your move while hanging out with her.
Only focus on hanging out, having fun, and hooking up… that’s how you
evolve things, rather than asking her about the dating topic.
At the same time, also use flirting and teasing. Was there flirting and banter going on during your interaction? This is important.
Going from platonic friends to abruptly dropping the “I really like you” bomb puts too much pressure on a woman, overwhelms her, and drives her away.
That’s why it’s one of the 5 romantic mistakes that almost always land you in the friend zone.
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