When a Girl Flakes on You – Dealing With Flaky Behavior Like a Man of Value

When a girl flakes on you, it completely wastes your time… you feel powerless to control her behavior… and it sends mixed signals.

While at first she agrees to meet up… an excuse always comes up and she flakes.

She’s on a cycle of acting interested, but then going distant.

This hot and cold rollercoaster drains your energy wondering what the hell this girl is thinking.

Are her excuses legit, or is she just not that interested?

If this is you, and you’re currently dealing with a flaky girl, then keep reading.

As I go through 3 flaking case studies from my students, you will learn…

• How to deal with flaking
• How to confront the girl about her flaking
• How to set dates to avoid flaking

So pay close attention.

Question #1: She is Flaky and Playing Games

Hi Frankie,

Many thanks for your insightful articles and videos. I find them immensely helpful.

Here is my situation. Hope you can help provide some pointers to help me figure out what’s going on.

So we met about 4 months ago.

I started seeing this girl as an “arrangement”.

She is a successful business owner, owns her own place, and is well settled.

She mentioned she previously had an arrangement with an older guy, where they became more than friends… but then she broke up with him when he proposed marriage as he wanted her to leave everything and travel the world with him in his luxury yacht.

So we met for dinner, connected instantly, and chatted for hours. She blew an appointment with her friends just to keep chatting with me.

We got intimate the next day at her place, and since then for the first month and a half, we had great fun at her place or mine. We would either spend time together having dinner, or sometimes she would cook for me, and sometimes we would have sex.

During this time, we would text each other almost daily.

She has told me multiple times that she really enjoys the time she spends with me, regardless of what we do, and looks forward to the sexual encounters very much.

I ended up spending the night at her place right before thanksgiving.

She introduced me to her grandparents and her closest guy friend.

As it’s an arrangement, I pay her after we get intimate, but not for other times spent. She doesn’t like the sight of money, says she is uneasy with it. So I subtly leave it in a corner and I don’t make a big deal about it. But of course, she never says no to money as well.

She has asked me if I wished to get married again, if I like kids, said how her parents would love me, and how she likes me being settled & doing well in life.

However, she started going a bit cold almost right after thanksgiving.

Our text frequencies reduced to once a week at best.

I reacted by chasing her early December and getting into an emotional funk, but then your articles put sense back in me… and I stopped inundating her with texts thereafter.

She continues to send “I miss you” messages, “can’t wait to see you soon”, sharing love songs dedicated to me, and saying “sorry I’m busy with work”.

We have met 5 times in last 2 months. Sometimes very often back to back over 3 days, sometimes 3 weeks apart.

I used to ask when could we meet, and she wouldn’t reply… but she would come back with her own plans, suggest a future date when she would love to meet, but then cancel or not reply. This cycle has happened quite a few times.

Sometimes she apologizes and makes another plan for a future date but then vanishes again. Other those plans do happen.

I’m definitely very interested in her… but is she just playing a game or is there hope to turn this into something serious in the future?

I want to get settled again, when the time is right, but I’m unsure of how to move things forward.

I feel clueless, kindly advice.

Thanks for your time!
Steve

My Reply: Women Get Flaky When They Lose Respect For You

Hi Steve,

It seems like she was interested at the beginning (even if it was an arrangement), but then she lost some of that interest.

Now you’re on this cycle where she flakes, vanishes, and comes back but not like things were before.

This situation has thrown you on an emotional funk where you feel weak and unconfident.

Whenever this happens, you must recover and replenish yourself by putting yourself first.

When you put yourself first, you value and respect yourself, and this means you only value those who value you.

In order for a woman to respect you, you must respect yourself first. And a woman can’t love you if she can’t respect you. Remember that.

So here are the actions steps to take:

1. Let her come to you without chasing anymore

That’s good you stopped inundating her with texts. Don’t text her until she reaches out. Let her initiate.

2. Give yourself more options

Make sure there are other women in your life, so that your mind isn’t so focused on this one girl.

3. Value your time

When you value yourself, you only give more attention to those who value you and are interested… while shifting your attention away from those who don’t value you. That way you don’t waste your time.

If She Reaches Out

If she manages to pop back into your life, make sure it isn’t because she needs money.

Further, I recommend that you change the rules and cancel “arrangements” to make sure people spend time with you because they like you for you, and not for your money.

Related Article: “Ex Girlfriend Stringing Me Along”

His Reply

Thank you so much for your quick response and guidance, Frankie. Much appreciated.

Totally agree with your concepts around value and time and meeting new women.

Of course, it’s a bit challenging given COVID times, but I’ve started making some small progress.

Met someone through online dating recently, with a plan for a 2nd date in a week.

Hopefully, a few more will line up as well, and once they escalate to something more serious, that should help me take my mind away from this 1 girl obsession… a feeling you term as oneitis in your emails. 🙂

Back to this girl… Yes, since early December, I have stopped texting or reaching out to her on my own.

I just reply to her texts… sometimes I reply almost immediately and sometimes I take hours to respond.

But invariably, I always do reply and if she proposes a meet up, I always agree. As I mentioned, sometimes those plans suggested by her fructify as planned, but more often they don’t.

2 follow up advice areas:

1. So, maybe, next time, when she does reach out, I don’t respond at all… let a few such texts go unanswered, or I reply saying I can’t meet up as suggested as I am busy? Show my value through such actions, maybe?

Easier said than done frankly, as when there are long gaps between the meet-ups, a suggestion to meet does trigger the unsatiated need, and it’s difficult to say no, so I cave in.

So, any ideas or advice here would be welcome…

2. Finally, during our first month of interaction, we had come up with an unwritten rule that we would be candid with each other, i.e. if something bugs one about the other, we will share our thoughts openly.

So, given the current situation, where she flakes so often that it’s disconcerting to me, do you think it will come across as very needy if I was to openly share how I don’t like her behavior?

In most instances, she, of course, has genuine reasons for the cancelations… tired, busy with business travel, family, etc., but one can explain it if it happens infrequently, but not at the rate at which it is happening of late.

So my question is, should I raise the flaking concern openly, if and when she reaches out next and we do end up meeting… or should I let it slide?

My worry is if raising it would show neediness on my part, that I certainly don’t want to exhibit.

But then, if it’s troubling me, is it ok to be upfront about it and share my thoughts openly?

Thanks again Frankie. Your words of wisdom are gold. Can’t even begin to explain how uplifting they have been.

Steve

***My Reply***

Hey Steve, glad it helped you

To answer your questions:

1. When she sends you texts, perhaps wait a bit longer to reply than right away.

When you’re naturally busy with life/purpose/passions/hobbies/other friends, it means you’re not just sitting around waiting and hoping for a girl’s texts to illuminate your day. 

So when she does text you, perhaps you won’t be able to answer right away. Maybe you’ll even forget to reply sometimes.

Being busy means you won’t be able to make every date she proposes. Again, because you have stuff to do, and things need to be planned and fitted within your schedule.

2. When a girl flakes on you and you’re annoyed by it, it’s not because you’re needy, but because you’re a man of value and you’ve got stuff to do.

You don’t want to waste time planning for something that doesn’t happen, right?

It’s annoying as hell when that happens. 

Maybe you could have planned something else… and because you cleared up an evening for this girl, the other thing doesn’t happen… and since she cancelled, nothing happens.

So by respecting yourself and your time, it compels you to set boundaries to how others treat you (and your time).

How do you set boundaries?

Don’t create “maybe” dates. Make sure she doesn’t say things like “I’ll let you know if I can make it”.

Set a definite date, on a definite time.

If she cancels and gives you an excuse, don’t let it happen again.

If She Flakes Should You Ignore Her?

If she flakes, don’t ignore her, but tell her that it’s unacceptable to waste your time like that, and that it isn’t happening again.

More: When Your Girlfriend Keeps Flaking on You

Question #2: Ex Girlfriend is Cold and Flaky

Hi Frankie,

I just finished reading one of your articles and it is spot on. I have been making all those mistakes.

I broke up with my ex 6 months ago due to our arguments.

I told her I still loved her but couldn’t take the fighting anymore.

Afterwards, we had a two month gap of not talking after the break up, but now we’re talking again and on better terms.

She told me she hasn’t tried to get with anyone else because they aren’t me. That’s a good sign right?

However I still get blunt replies from her, or only half-answered messages.

What should I do?

Rich

My Reply: Don’t Rush the Relationship Label

Hey Rich,

When you text her right now, have you managed to get her out?

Don’t text too long before getting her out.

Then when she’s out, don’t try to get the “relationship label” back right away.

Only focus on hanging out, having fun, and hooking up… without any strings or commitment attached to it.

She probably has a ton of feelings for you, but if you rush the relationship,
talk about feelings, bring up serious relationship topics… it squashes her attraction and stops her from wanting more.

It’s like simultaneously pressing the brake and accelerator.

So again, only focus on having fun when you’re together without putting a label on it.

Next, if you do end up meeting up, don’t text too much in between dates.

Create space and let her initiate texting.

Most guys would overpursue here as an attempt to convince her to get the relationship back… causing them to fall into the same problems of the past (crowding her space by chasing too much).

But that only pushes her away, and they’re back in square one.

***His Reply***

Thank you! I planned to meet her Sunday… but she was unsure of meeting me because previously I had cancelled previous plans due to frustration.

I told her about going for food or something on Sunday but she said she isn’t sure.

Then I said that I’ll just ask her on that day and see where things go.

Should I still go with her Sunday and then start the no contact?

She’s most likely going to flake anyway.

My Reply: Don’t Schedule “Maybe” Dates

If she isn’t sure, it depends if it’s a schedule issue or if she isn’t feeling interested.

If it’s a schedule thing, then say to let you know when you figure your schedule out.

When a girl flakes on you, the problem is agreeing to “maybe” dates were she isn’t sure if she can make it.

Act like your time is valuable. You want to schedule something you are sure will happen.

If she isn’t sure, then say “ok reach out when you are sure”, and then go no contact forever from then on until she reaches out.

I also suggest when you invite her that it’s a night date, or to invite her over your own place to make dinner together(or watch a movie).

That makes “escalation” much much easier.

His Reply

Yeah she flaked because of money so I just told her to let me know when she can go for food or drinks.

My Reply: Next Time, Make the Date At Your Place

Next time she reaches out, invite her to do something that’s free, or invite her over your own place. (and eat, or watch a movie, etc.)

The goal is to get together and interact, not necessarily to spend money.

Question #3: After Two Months of Dating She Got Real Flaky

Hey Frankie,

My girl flakes, but keeps texting me.

She is the one who approached me first and told me she loved me. It was going well at the time.

After two months she started to change. She started to ignore my texts, ignore me, and started giving me excuses on why she couldn’t meet.

She got real flaky.

The thing that confuses me is that she still calls me every day and wants to talk to me but when it comes time to meet, that’s when the excuses and flaking starts.

What do I do here?

Eric

My Reply: Something Made Her Go Cold and Fade

Eric,

It all started well.

She was in love with you and even approached you first…

But then she started to fade.

Her texts diminished, she stopped replying, and she gave you excuses when you planned to meet her.

However, she still calls you each day and wants to talk.

Which frustrates you because you can’t manage to get her to meet you and escalate things to get physical with her… and progress the relationship. (Have you kissed her or had sex with her yet?)

What you should do here is create more space.

Let me explain.

See, this girl likes you, but she flakes on you.

She wants to talk every day, but doesn’t want to meet.

Here’s how you can change that.

You’ve got to create space such that you don’t talk to her every day.

Make yourself busy with school, work, or hang out with buddies.

Have other things to do so that it isn’t just you talking with her or sitting alone thinking about her.

Then when she contacts you and wants to talk say “Hey kinda busy at the moment, but I’d love to see you, when are you free to get together this weekend?”

Make sure you do less texting/talking but more meeting up.

Save all the talking for the meet up.

If she doesn’t want to meet up, say ok reach out when you change your mind.

If she is too busy, say ok reach out when you figure your schedule out… and then go no contact and walk away…. UNTIL she reaches out again.

Be direct like this so that you lead and steer the relationship towards what you want, and away from what you don’t want.

What you’re doing here is not accepting just having a text relationship because you want to see her face-to-face. 

You are politely making yourself busy with other things, texting much less, and not replying right away… because what you really want is to see her in person.

You want to dedicate your time to see her face-to-face, not to have a text relationship.

What to do Next:

1. Read my FREE “7 Dangerous Mistakes That Stop You From Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back” eBook

Click Here to Sign Up to Get This Free eBook By Email, Instantly

2. Learn How to Use the “Ex Factor” to Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back

Take 5 minutes to watch this video that teaches you a few little-known techniques to re-wire your ex’s feelings and make her want you back.