“When your girlfriend loses attraction, the fix is usually a shift from being the ‘boyfriend’ to being the ‘lover’… which gives her space to fall back in love again”
You two got intimate and things were going great… but when you pushed for the relationship label… the girl pulled away and became distant… leaving you wrecked, emotionally drained, and confused.
You thought making her your girlfriend was a given… but now she’s sending mixed signals.
One day she’s attracted to you and talking about your future together… the next day she hits you with “I’m not ready for a relationship right now”.
How could this happen?
In this article you’ll learn what causes women to suddenly lose attraction… and 1 shift in your behavior to turns things around and get the girl’s attraction back to how it was before.
You will also learn:
- How the “lover” and “boyfriend” roles make or break a relationship.
- How the “lover” role helps you keep a girl interested when she fades away
- The one thing that causes a girl to say things like “I’m not ready for a relationship”… “Things are moving too fast”… “I need space”… “I feel trapped”… or “I feel smothered”…
- 3 steps to turn your “fling” into your girlfriend. (From casual dating to serious relationship)
Before I explain the 3 steps to make her your girlfriend, it is critical that you first understand the “lover” and “boyfriend” roles.
Table of Contents
The Lover vs The Boyfriend
Imagine you just met a girl… and you decide that you want to sleep with her.
How would you carry yourself? If you want her sexually, you shouldn’t aim show her qualities that suggest you’d be a good boyfriend.
What I mean is… when you communicate with her, you shouldn’t go out of your way to be the perfect gentleman who pleases her and takes care of her needs.
Now what if you actually *really* like this girl more than just for sex. What if you want to turn her into your girlfriend? What if you want something deep… that lasts forever?
That’s a trick question…
Because the answer is still the same.
See, when you first meet a girl, you still have a better chance to first play the “lover” role, even if you want to make her your girlfriend in the future.
You’ll do much better if she thinks you want to get into her pants, than if she thinks you want to be her boyfriend.
Why? Because initially, that’s the process that maintains the attraction.
See, there’s a natural process to attracting and starting a relationship with a girl.
That natural process dictates that you first go through the “lover” stage, before you become her boyfriend.
It’s not that boyfriend qualities are bad. Boyfriend qualities are great in a relationship and here are 30 ways to be a better boyfriend…
…it’s just that when you show boyfriend qualities too soon, it crowds the girl’s freedom, and she backs away.
As it turns out, you can’t keep a girl interested by smothering her freedom away.
So instead of “good boyfriend” qualities, I suggest that at the beginning, you instead focus on showing her your “lover” qualities”.
Additionally, the lover role is also needed to rescue a relationship when the girl loses attraction… regardless of how long the relationship has lasted.
How to Think and Act Like the “Lover”
An easy way to discover what is “attractive Behavior” is to think:
“How would I act if I had lots of female options and got laid often?”
This is a mental exercise
Lover Qualities:
- Abundance Mindset: You see a world filled with plenty of female options. Therefore, you don’t get obsessive “oneitis” over one woman (which is a scarcity mindset)
- With options, you have freedom from outcome. You talk boldly and freely without fear that holds back your true personality. You aren’t walking over eggshells trying to please her or to avoid offending her.
- With options, you aren’t quick to jump into a relationship with the first woman who gives you attention. The chance to get into a relationship with you is a *reward* that the woman wins over time.
It takes time for you to slowly warm up to being a woman’s boyfriend. Again, this is because you have a life, a purpose, and plenty of options… so you take time before getting into a big commitment.
- Freedom: You love being single and free, so you don’t want to be tied down in a serious relationship. Since you’ve got options and aren’t quick to jump into a relationship, you communicate to women that you want to be free and enjoy life without serious commitment.
You won’t sacrifice your freedom for just any woman, it takes time and she has to be special.
That being said, you also recognize her own need for freedom, and recognize when you might have smothered it in the past.
Remember the words of Vietnamese monk Thich Nhat Hanh:
“You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”
~Thich Nhat Hanh - You have a purpose in life (a vision) that you follow. This purpose might be a career/passion/life vision. Your purpose anchors you and stops you from becoming too dependent on a girl for positive emotions.
Since you make a lot of time for that purpose, you are naturally unavailable, and you naturally set boundaries. This is how you naturally playing “hard to get”.
On the other hand…
If you become obsessed about “the one girl” and you fall under the spell of a “oneitis” crush…
- you become desperate and knocked off balance with emotions…
- you fail to set boundaries…
- you trade your power away and lower your “status” in exchange for female validation…
- you watch what you say to make sure it doesn’t offend her…
- you don’t have a purpose, or you trade time away from your purpose to obsess over this girl…
- you jump at the chance to lock her down as your official girlfriend…
Her Image of You
When you start dating a girl, she quickly develops an “image” of you… and that image can change, but it can also become too permanent.
Whether you’re the “lover” type or the “boyfriend” provider type, you start somewhere.
In most instances, guys start acting like the potential “boyfriend”… and they attempt to show the girl many of their boyfriend qualities. Unfortunately, they end up with a “let’s just be friends” speech or “you’re like a brother to me”.
Other times you start as the lover and here things start great. You successfully attract her and she seems very into you… but then your behavior changes. You fall too deep in love with the girl, causing you to change, and start doing the “good boyfriend” behaviors… and out of the blue she starts fading away.
Would you like some examples? I will now go over 3 scenarios of guys going through these “lover” or “boyfriend” phases. In each case, you’ll see how the girl’s attraction level changes.
Scenario 1: Things were going great… but the guy pushed for the relationship label, this changed the perception of the girl, and she faded away.
Scenario 2: The guy got intimate with the girl in the past… but something in the way he talked to her cause the woman to put him in the “boyfriend” category. That boyfriend image she had of him was hard to shake off and he couldn’t get her.
Scenario 3: Successfully escaping the friend/potential boyfriend zone and transitioning to full “lover zone”.
Each scenario is a question from a reader that I answer afterwards.
Let’s start with the first…
Scenario #1
***Question***
Hey Frankie,
I’m reading your stuff and it’s the only shit online I actually agree with.
But I have a situation.
I’m pretty good at dating and never had a problem with getting laid with women.
My problem is when I actually *really* like a girl.
Recently there was this girl. She wasn’t an ex, but a girl I dated for three months.
We had sex every time we met, but I started pushing for that “official tag”.
Last week she got so upset because she wasn’t sure she could get to my point of wanting an official relationship.
Does no contact work when you haven’t been “officially” together?
Are there any tips on how to encourage her to reach out?
This one really had me stumped because we were never official.
Thanks,
Jonesy
>>>My Comments
Hey Jonesy,
Pushing for that “official” tag is the big thing that pushed her away.
That’s why when you first start dating a girl, you should only focus on hanging out, having fun, and hooking up.
Don’t bring up the relationship label, talk about feelings, or get into serious relationship conversations.
Instead, wait for the woman to bring up the “becoming official” topic. Let it be her idea.
Right now, your mission is to go back to meeting her like you did before and having dates that lead to sex.
But this time without pushing to put a label on it.
If she is currently cold and distant through text, then you must create space and let her come to you.
No contact would still be needed because whether you have a label or not, it doesn’t change the natural instinct of a woman to go distant when she needs space.
If you’re still in touch, the goal is to somehow make her understand that you’re only interested in “fun” and nothing serious.
At the moment, she feels you want to be her boyfriend and that’s too much commitment for her (that’s why she faded).
You have to make her realize that you’ve shifted away from that.
Hint it, suggest it, or directly communicate it.
So when a girl says she’s not ready for a relationship, say you’re not looking for anything serious either, just fun.
In particular… you can use the “Scrambler” to shift her image of you.
Scenario #2
***Question***
Hey Frankie
I’m a bit confused about the situation I’m in.
A girl I was seeing and sleeping with in the past recently broke up with her fiancée, which made me want to date her again. However, she said she wasn’t ready to start something with me.
Over the last month we have messaged, snap chatted, and caught up. She says she’s happy and in a good place just not ready for another man to be in her life yet.
It’s only been about a month since her break up so she has things to get over and figure out.
My question is do I wait for her?
I do really like her, though I’m not sure how much time she may need.
There has been some massive changes in her over the last month though.
Sorry there’s heaps to the story though thought I would keep it basic.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Kind regards
Ben
>>>My Comments
Hey Ben,
A very common situation men email me about is when they are seeing a new girl, in a budding relationship, things seem to be going great.
But then she goes cold and says “I’m not ready for a relationship right now”… or “things are moving too fast for me”.
One of the main things that causes this reaction from a woman is when you throw off signals that you want to be her boyfriend or that you want something serious, too soon.
These signals hint that you want to “formally” date her or “take her out” and in the girl’s mind, it translates to “I can tell he wants to be my boyfriend”… “he *really* likes me”… or “he’s aiming for something serious eventually”.
In her situation, the “traditional” dating customs scare her away, because she doesn’t want to be forced to sit front of someone for a couple hours having dinner. It’s just too serious for her right now.
Instead, the best way to treat this objection from her is to have the attitude that you just want “fun” or to “hook up”.
The mindset of “right now I’m not looking for anything serious either, but just want to have fun”.
The reason is that getting into a serious relationship is a lot more commitment for her than just casual fun without any strings attached.
Think “lover first, boyfriend later”
Keep a girl interested by engaging in the lover role. Even if you think “she’s not that kind of girl” and even if you actually do want to be her boyfriend in the future, it’s better to act like you just want fun in the beginning.
Make your dates fun and casual. Only focus on hanging out and having fun, and never ask her about her feelings for you, whether she is ready, or “relationship labels”.
Create dates that have the possibility of ending in sex.
Which is why you should make the dates near your place, or best of all, AT your place. Invite her to make dinner together or watch a movie.
***His Reply***
Hey Frankie
Thanks for the reply.
So how long should I expect this to go on for? Or I suppose there’s no real answer to that?
***My Reply***
You mean how long until you become “official”?
Right now only focus on hanging out and having fun, and let her be the one who says “so what are we?” (let her bring up the “status” of the relationship)
Think “be the lover, not boyfriend” — so play the lover “role” first, even if you want to be the boyfriend later
***His Reply***
Yeah sorry I should have made that clearer.
I mean how long before she’s ready to start hanging out more?
It’s been probably 6 weeks since she came back with all these emotions, saying she needed time to herself, and that she wasn’t ready for a man in her life just yet because she had stuff to get over.
I figure people need time to grieve after ending a long term commitment.
It’s all hard for me as I’m still keen, and don’t know how long it might be before she’s ready for anything again. Don’t some people take 12 months?
Kind regards,
Ben
***My Reply***
When she says she’s not ready for “a man in her life”… I translate that to “she doesn’t want any commitment right now”. That is what I get from it.
But I wouldn’t doubt it if she had “no-strings-attached” casual flings along the way, that she would break off as soon as the guy showed signs he wanted to get serious.
***His Reply***
Hey Frankie
Sounds like you will be spot on. She told me that we aren’t anything more then friends yet she has started hanging around another guy.
When I asked her what the deal with that is she replied “that they are only friends and he’s not ready for a relationship either”
It hurts a lot as I think it’s unfair to play with my feelings as she did.
Though what you said about flings, if there’s no attachment, a fling seems right with this guy.
Kind regards,
Ben
Main Takeaways from this Email Exchange
- Take what a girl says with a grain of salt.
- Focus on her actions, not her words.
- She says she’s not ready to have a man in her life, and that actually meant she didn’t want any pressure or commitment.
- It didn’t mean she didn’t want to hook up. If she saw Ben as the “lover” guy, he would have had a better chance of sleeping with her, or even making her his girlfriend in the future.
- Chances are her image of him was that of the potential “boyfriend”. She probably felt this through the subtle signals he sent her.
See, when she sees you as the potential “boyfriend”, you have to wait more before she opens up… if that even happens.
When you show her your formal, well-behaved “good boy” side, she only shows you her “good girl” side, which means no sexual attraction.
Scenario #3
***Question***
Hey Frankie,
What’s up, my name is Mike. Sorry for the long email, but a lot happened after I took your advice.
Wanted to say thanks for your great advice.
Here is my story. My 3 year girlfriend and I had been fighting a lot in the past 3 months (over stupid stuff really). I was also doing everything for her, a 4th year med student, and at the same time running my company.
Here I still didn’t realize I was literally living for her.
The patterns you mention started coming up. She didn’t reciprocate things I did for her. She always had 100 different excuses for why she couldn’t spend time together.
Then she started spending a lot of time with her friends out of nowhere.
I started getting needy, jealous, controlling, basically acting like a bitch.
That’s when she started putting some distance between us.
I hadn’t read your material yet, so I didn’t handle it well, I pressured her even more. She called me one night and said she needed space.
During that time, I feel like I went through a personal hell, but came out stronger than ever.
I decided to read some articles and came across some of yours. Particularly the eBook on how to get your ex back. It was a massive eye opener.
I realized it wasn’t anyone’s fault, we just fell into this weird trap of her asking me to be more feminine (i.e. yelp her about my feelings, family issues, do a shit load of stuff for her, etc…) and me not understanding that if I did that, her attraction for me would diminish. And so it did.
During this time I also planned what I was going to tell her the next time I saw her. My opportunity came when she wanted to come over to “talk”.
So before “the talk” I studied up and planned my lines. When she came over to my house, she started with the typical “I’ve thought about it and I need to be alone, I want to discover who I am…. I love you and you are my friend…”.
Then I stopped her right there and told her: “hey, let’s just skip the long story of reasons, it’s cool, we’re not boyfriend girlfriend anymore, it’s cool.
Btw, I need to clear up 1 thing, I’m not your friend, we’ve never been friends, friends don’t fuck in cars on third dates. If you want to hang out like it was at the beginning and have a good time, let me know, I’m down”.
What followed was a barrage of questions and statements:
- “I don’t get it, just a few days ago you were crying and begging me to give you a chance?”
- “How’s such a radical change possible?”
- “Did our relationship mean anything to you at all?”
- “I feel like you don’t care that we’re not together anymore”
- “Did you think this is where we would end up, is that why you are fine now after such a short time?”
- “Do you believe in destiny. Do you think we’ll end up together in the future?”
- “I just don’t understand why you are so ok with this situation”.
My general answer to everything was trying to send as many mixed signals as possible:
“Look, it hurt like hell. But I’m happy I’ve come back to being me, to loving my life. I have my company and my life and I want to really live it and focus on my priorities.”
“I realized my mistakes, I was smothering you. And in a way, you also were always asking for favors. You say you don’t want a boyfriend because you feel trapped. I realize that I also don’t want a girlfriend and want to be free to do whatever I want.”
“I think like everything, there’s a possibility we can end up together. But that’s the future, and who knows what’ll happen. At this time, I’m focused on right now”.
At one point I said something like, “now that we are together, and we sure as shit aren’t friends, let’s just chill smoking a spliff and have a good time”. We ended up having some of the best sex we’ve ever had.
She’s use to staying over after sex. This time I woke her up, and told her she had to leave. That I was tired and I had work in the morning. Reluctantly, she left. At the door, she gave me this warm and fuzzy hug.
I immediately pulled back, grabbed her neck (not rough but not gentle either) and gave her a smooch, then a tap in the ass. She said “Mike, c’mon, we shouldn’t be doing this”.
And I closed with, “I think you should just chill and not read into any of it. Get home safe”. And closed the door.
I’ll admit, it’s probably the best pitch performance I’ve done in my life, but it felt good to get back control, to flip the script for once, and I realized, this is how I use to be when we started. I feel like a fucking man again.
From here on, you mention no contact. I’m doing that. She came over this past Wednesday, so it’s only been a few days. It’s a bit rough because when we were going at it, she was attentive, kind and wild at the same time, something she hadn’t been in a loooong time. I definitely want a
repeat, and patience has never been one of my strong suits, so I’m challenging my self to break that bad habit.
I also started using Instagram, just for trying out new stuff. Doing stories on the new stuff. I’m doing like salsa classes and I planned a kayaking trip this weekend. Shit like that. She and her friends have seen all of my stories, so they are definitely paying attention.
If you can, I would appreciate some advice of where to go from here. Your advice worked man, and I realize all my friends don’t know shiiit, so I’ll be listening to you.
1 good buddy of mine gave me very similar advice to yours, but not as thorough. He told me that I should get a secondary fuck buddy or more. But I’ve never been that guy, it’s not really my thing to sleep around.
What I really want to achieve is to have fun sessions with my ex become a weekly thing until it evolves into something again.
Help me Obi Wan!
Best,
Mike
>>>My Comments
Hey Mike, awesome stuff.
I enjoyed reading about your great “pitch performance” and how it worked.
Yes, the goal is just to have those fun sessions about once a week, but with minimal contact in between.
Let her be the one to come to you, and text you, and then when she does, arrange a get-together for her to come over to hang out and have fun.
Then do as you did before, and wait for her to reach out again… and repeat. Over time, after these sessions, her attraction will go up and she’ll start saying “what does this all mean” and she’ll want to make things evolve into something “official”.
Related Article: How to Send Mixed Signals to a Girl to Create Attraction Naturally
Main Takeaways From This Interaction
When his relationship first progressed, it evolved into Mike doing too many favors that weren’t reciprocated.
And lack of reciprocation is the main thing… Because favors in a relationship aren’t bad at all… but a relationship is a two-way street, and one-sided favors puts it out of balance.
When his girlfriend started fading, he soon started acting needy, jealous, and controlling, which pushed her away even further. She started losing her freedom and wanted space.
Now when a woman goes distant, you should create space to “reset” things. And speaking of “reset”, in this situation you should pretend like you’re dating her for the first time. Meaning… lean more towards being the “lover”. The same applies if you have an ex girlfriend who is sending mixed signals.
Your behavior should be appropriate to her attraction level:
- If the relationship is new and her attraction level is still low, acting too much like the boyfriend crowds her freedom.
- If things are awesome deep into a relationship, having “boyfriend” qualities is great.
- If she loses attraction and fades away, it’s time to lean more towards being the “lover”.
In Mike’s situation, the girl’s main objection here is loss of freedom (even if she doesn’t directly say it). The fix is a shift from boyfriend to lover… which gives her space to fall back in love again.
See, when a girl fades, most guys try to do more boyfriend stuff to lock her down in a relationship. This pushes her away because it crowds her freedom. Being her lover has no strings or labels attached, and gives her space to regain her attraction for you.
In Scenario 3 above, the talk Mike gave to his ex cemented him as the “lover” and gave her space to become attracted again. He swiftly changed her image of him from provider boyfriend to lover.
Key Moments in Scenario 3:
“I realized my mistakes, I was smothering you. And in a way, you also were always asking for favors. You say you don’t want a boyfriend because you feel trapped. I realize that I also don’t want a girlfriend and want to be free to do whatever I want.”
He shows awareness that he crowded her freedom, and now realizes he also wants freedom (a “lover” quality)
“I think like everything, there’s a possibility we can end up together. But that’s the future, and who knows what’ll happen. At this time, I’m focused on right now”.
Shows he isn’t too serious or focused on getting a relationship label. (another lover quality). It also now sounds like she’s the one pursuing him and he’s saying “maybe in the future there’s a possibility we can end up together” (subtle frame reversal — she’s chasing him)
“Now that we are together, and we sure as shit aren’t friends, let’s just chill smoking a spliff and have a good time”.
A bold call to action. Something a “lover” would say in that ripe situation.
“I think you should just chill and not read into any of it. Get home safe”
Eliminates her objections and once again emphasizes that there no strings attached to their interaction (lover quality), which takes pressure off her chest.
How to Make Her Your Girlfriend
STEP 1: Remain in the “lover zone”… with no strings attached.
When you get together, only aim to hang out, have fun, and hook up. No more than once a week.
STEP 2: In between meets:
- Don’t text every day
- Don’t get into long text conversations
- Don’t talk about feelings or bring up “relationship” talk
- Essentially, create space for mystery to happen… save most of the interaction for when she sees you
STEP 3: After a few weeks doing this, eventually the woman’s attraction will slowly increase over time.
That’s when she’ll start asking things like “so, what are we?”… and that’s how you know she’s ready to be your girlfriend and you can take it to the next level to become “official”.
Until then, keep a girl interested by remaining in the “lover” role. Only start applying “boyfriend” qualities when the girl’s attraction is so high that she starts pushing the relationship label.
But don’t overdo it! Remember, the woman can lose attraction if you shift away from the lover and you start doing too much of the boyfriend. You have to bring back the lover if that happens.
Use “The Scrambler” to Become the “Lover”
When a relationship gets too serious too quickly… a girl loses her freedom and this causes her to lose feelings.
In particular…
This video reveals 5 Romantic Mistakes that make a girl fade away when you do them too soon. (These mistakes are basically “good boyfriend” qualities”)
If you’ve already made any of these mistakes… the good news is you can use a sneaky little mind game called The Scrambler to shift her image of you from potential “boyfriend” back to “lover” again.
The result is you end up getting the woman’s attraction back to how it was before.
Have a look at this video and see what I mean.
