When the Girl You’re Seeing Loses Attraction

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It can be troubling when the girl you’re seeing loses attraction.

You don’t want to lose the sweet thing you have going with her.

You hoped to eventually turn her into your girlfriend… you even made future plans of how you’d spend your life together with her.

But now she got distant… and you’re not sure how to fix it.

What do you do when she starts fading away?

In this article you’ll learn:

  • How the boundaries you fail to set affect your relationship, and cause your girl to lose attraction
  • Why you must shift from provider to lover to re-attract a fading girl
  • 1 specific way to create “mystery” in a relationship
  • The recipe that gets her wanting to be your “official” girlfriend

Question #1: Girl I Was Seeing Lost Attraction

Hi Frankie,

The girl I’ve been seeing was sending me mixed signals which made me very concerned.

After confronting her about it via text, she said she considered our “relationship” to be more of a friendship than dating.

This is in spite of us having sex in the past, sharing a bed, and the fact that I paid for everything.

We exchanged a few more texts and then I said “OK, if you are not open to it being more I have to go.” I think she was caught off-guard and just said, “OK.” I replied “take care” and she said, “you too” and that was it.

No hand wringing or apologizing. I stood up for myself, stood my ground, and left.

Thing is, I did not say “if you change your mind, let me know” but I did everything else you recommended.

Do you think there’s a chance I may hear from her since I was strong, and called her out on her behavior pretty much at the first opportunity and then walked without looking back?

I was very good to her and she sure was acting like my girlfriend for a while there.

We talked about trips we might take as far as a year out in the future and she blew up my phone with texts every day… and when she replied or said hi, she would always use a smiley like this:  Hi! 🙂  (My platonic female friends do not do that).

Truthfully I don’t know if I even want her back because I have seen her exhibit spitefulness and hostility to others with no good reason.

For example towards a waitress when we went out to dinner two weeks ago. I don’t think my friend and family would have liked her either, and I was actually worried if I took her to a business function if she might embarrass me. She could just be kind of bitchy! I don’t need that. Still we had some fun times, and I hate to see it end the way it did… but I am not being friend-zoned, I am not letting her play games, and I did not show weakness here.

She was probably pretty shocked by how it all went down all of a sudden!

Thanks bud,

Danny

My Comments: Be Aware of the Boundaries You Set. Avoid Playing the “Provider Role” if She Doesn’t Reciprocate

Hey Danny, that’s a feel-good move… being direct like that… isn’t it?

Now when the girl you’re seeing loses attraction, it’s important to determine what went wrong in order to fix it.

With this in mind, there’s one thing I noticed that can lead to big consequences.

And it has to do with you being “very good” to her.

So I ask: When you’re very good to her, is she also being good to you?

The act of being nice and giving isn’t bad on it’s own… it’s when you give and act nice without reciprocation that gets you into trouble. 

This reflects on the boundaries you set for yourself… and the boundaries you fail to set.

Boundaries are important. They are everywhere and you can set them on things that define a relationship: How to Get Your Girlfriend to Respect You – 3 Keys to Setting Boundaries With Women

If you do nice things for her, like paying for stuff and doing favors, but she isn’t also being nice to you, she’ll feel that something is off.

  • She’ll feel like she isn’t putting in effort to win you over. (Once the chase is over… attraction diminishes)
  • When she feels that she’s getting stuff from you, but not you from her, she’ll wonder why you chose her and not the other women.
  • It can cause her to say “I don’t deserve you” or “you like me too much” before promptly ending things with you.
  • She’ll feel that she can take advantage of you, use you, or walk all over you… and that makes her act bitchy.

Instead, flip it around.

A woman is more likely to fall in love with you when she’s the one putting in the effort.

She’ll rationalize she must like you because she wouldn’t do favors for you if she didn’t like you.

I touch on these topics in the following articles:

Shift From Provider Mode to Lover Mode to Re-Attract a Fading Girl

Now let’s think about female psychology. When you are doing nice things for her, you are in “provider mode”.

If you are in provider mode for too long when she’s not reciprocating and there are no “benefits”… then you’ll be cemented in her mind as the “provider”… and it’ll be harder to be a “lover” in her mind.

That’s why instead, you want to shift towards “lover mode”.

More on playing the lover role here:  How to Keep a Girl Interested By Playing the “Lover” Role

So if you ever go back to interacting with her, or if you meet another girl in the future, be more of a “lover”.

If you’re providing, at least make sure she also does favors for you, or make sure you’re hooking up… so that it’s not one-sided.

Because you want to take care of your needs and get what you want in a relationship. A relationship should be two-sided where both people get what they want… which is why it’s great that you made a decision about what you wanted.

Words That Set Boundaries or Define a Relationship

Now she said she considered your relationship more as a friendship than dating.

But I’m here to tell you that this is still not clear cut.

See, when we call something “dating”, it can mean ” committed relationship” which can create pressure… either commitment pressure, or strings attached that dictate she must act like a girlfriend.

And that pressure can then make her pull back because she feels less “free” to be herself. Freedom is key here.

However, dating here can also mean casual dating, which removes the pressure and welcomes freedom.

Now when it comes to the word “friend” we’re often turned off by it because we fear landing in the friend zone.

But friendship is ok, as long as it’s not purely platonic. If there are benefits, then friends with benefits is the best position to be in.  And when we think about it, “friends with benefits” can even mean the same thing as “casual dating”.

Which is why giving a girl an ultimatum that your relationship must either be serious relationship or nothing can backfire… because you’re not defining the gray area in between that leads to success.

You must also look at the context.

If the context of her calling you a friend is there haven’t been benefits for a while and she isn’t eager to see you that way, then the friendship is certainly platonic and you’re in the classic “friend zone”…

But if the context is you’re hooking up and she refers to you as a “friend”… then it’s the kind of “friendship” you want!

However, from the thing you wrote about her towards the end of your email, it seems like you made the right decision.  She was trouble and you either had to find a better girl, or set boundaries on this one to see if she behaved better.

Frankie

Ok now in the next question, our good friend Jason has regularly being seeing and sleeping with a girl… but he worries that he crowded her space and that she only thinks of him as a friend.

Question #2: Girl I’m Seeing Probably Sees Me More as a Friend Than a Lover

Hi Frankie.

Let me explain my situation…

So there’s this girl. I met her at work about a year ago. Back then she had a boyfriend and I had a girlfriend so we got to know each other as work colleagues.

She needed help with some exam she had at the time so I gave her my number.

Soon after that she added me on Snapchat and we occasionally talked on there. Still just as friends.

A few months back she asked me to go out with her. I didn’t think of it as a date as I still had my (now ex) girlfriend so I said yes. She had already broken up with her boyfriend by then.

We met a few more times and then I invited her to my place for dinner. By then I had broken up with my girlfriend and was open to new relationships but I didn’t wanna rush anything.

It was a great evening yet nothing happened because I still saw her as a friend.

She also didn’t make a move although I think she might have already liked me before I realized it.

So a few months back she said we should smoke together sometime. I suggested she come over to my place because I somehow got slight feelings for her and thought why not find out if she actually likes me or just sees me as a friend.

So she came over, we smoked, we had sex, and on the next day when I dropped her off, she even kissed me.

This was about 2 months ago. Since then I kept asking her to come over and probably texted her too much. Also… I might’ve revealed my feelings for her too soon.

However, she didn’t get distant and still texted me every day but she probably sees me more like a friend than a lover. A friend of hers told me she doesn’t know if she should risk the friendship for a relationship.

I know she has feelings for me, otherwise she wouldn’t have had sex with me and definitely would not have kissed me
when I dropped her off.

Now, I have read all the articles in your blog and followed these steps. Went no contact (for 2 weeks as of today), worked on myself, dated other women, got an abundance mindset, and so on. If she misses me she’s going to contact me.

What’s your view on this? I could totally live with moving on since there’s other fish in the sea but I’d still like to date this girl.

Best regards,
Jason

My Comments: Don’t Think “Relationship”, Aim For the “Lover Zone” Instead

Hey Jason, you’ve been doing mostly great with her, in spite of some hiccups… and your plan to start seeing her again sounds good. I’d give it a high chance she’ll contact you.

When you’re regularly texting a girl everyday and all of sudden you create a 2 week gap of space, that makes you a retreating object that she may want to chase. You’ve created this “pattern interrupt” that drastically changes the pattern of communication and makes her wonder why you’re suddenly different with her.

This is effective especially when you’ve been seeing each other and have had sex in the past. In fact, the patter interrupt is something The Scrambler technique uses. (I review Unlock the Scrambler here)

However, your “relationship” shouldn’t be black and white. Meaning, the only choices shouldn’t be being in a platonic friendship or being in a serious relationship.

Instead, the best spot to aim for is usually the “lover zone”, where you’re in between. You’re hooking up, yet not pressuring her to be official nor bringing up labels.

Then when it comes to texting in between dates, don’t overdo it. Let her come to you.

Texting her too much kills the mystery she feels (as you already found out).

creating mystery in between dates​

When the girl you’re seeing loses attraction, loss of mystery can be the cause.

The recipe is to hang out, have fun, and hookup, but then create space in between dates by texting less and letting her initiate.

Do this regularly with a girl and it’s very likely that she’ll fall in love with you. She’ll start planning her future with you in it, and she’ll bring up relationship label topics by saying “where is this going?” …and “what are we?”

Let the woman bring up those kind of topics, because that is the feminine department. Make it her idea to get into a relationship. Asking her to be your girlfriend too soon can kill attraction if she’s not ready.

What to do Now:

1. Read my FREE “7 Dangerous Mistakes That Stop You From Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back” eBook

no contact rule with ex girlfriend after a breakup

Click Here to Sign Up to Get This Free eBook By Email, Instantly

2. Learn How to Use the “Scrambler” to Get a Girl Back

Take 5 minutes to watch this video that teaches you a few little-known techniques to re-wire a girl’s feelings and make her want you back.